We live in a society that’s sexist in ways it doesn’t understand. One of the consequences is that men are extremely sensitive to being criticized by women. I think it threatens them in a very primal way, and male privilege makes them feel free to lash out.
This is why women are socialized to carefully dance around these issues, disagreeing with men in an extremely gentle manner. Not because women are nicer creatures than men. But because our very survival can depend on it.
The whole article sadly hits very close to home.
Say what you want about Sex and the City, but for a series that ran from the late 90s to early 00s, they cover certain issues incredibly well. From the top of my head: abortion, infertility, sexual freedom, female pleasure, single parenthood, gender expectations, discrimination, bereavement, cancer, impotence, infidelity, ageing, relationships and, above all, friendships.
Sure, some things could have been done better. I’m not super thrilled about their representation of gender and sexual diversity, but at least they tried—and it’s important to remember that by no means was it ever meant to be the definitive television show for women entering the 21st century, nor a feminist manifesto.
Claiming that Sex and the City is ‘anti-feminist’ or ‘highly misogynistic’ is missing the heart of it entirely. Relationships with men may feature prominently at first glance, but they’re actually just filler for these four women’s lives as they navigate incredibly relevant and everyday feminist issues. Further, it’s incredibly problematic to view one woman’s life as being more or less ‘feminist’ as another’s—whether they choose to be sexually promiscuous or to remain steadfastly independent, the only thing that matters is that they made that choice themselves.
I’ve read so many essays about this in the last week (holidays, right?) and this is essentially all it boils down to—choice. Everyone has their own brand of feminism and that’s okay, but the fundamental right to choose is non-negotiable. And that’s all I’m seeing here.
Love or hate the show for your own reasons, but don’t make it what it isn’t.
This morning, a friend uploaded pictures to Facebook where he was hanging out with a guy who has sexually harassed both myself and others in the past. I have never felt more physically ill in my life.
This is it. I’m done.
I’m done protecting someone’s identity when they clearly have absolutely zero respect for me or other women. I’m done with my polite silence being their safety net. I’m done with panicking about what I should do when faced with attending the same event as them.
Dear followers: please private message me or reblog to your own followers who may be able to help. Let me know your past experiences with outing people like this, even if it’s just to their friends, as well as how these efforts were received.
It’s time to fight back.
Most girls are relentlessly told that we will be treated how we demand to be treated. If we want respect, we must respect ourselves.
This does three things. Firstly, it gets men off the hook for being held accountable for how they treat women. And secondly, it makes women feel that the mistreatment and sometimes outright violence they face due to their gender is primarily their fault. And thirdly, it positions women to be unable to speak out against sexism because we are made to believe any sexism we experience would not have happened if we had done something differently.
I cannot demand a man to respect me. No more than I can demand that anybody do anything. I can ask men to be nice to me. But chances are if I even have to ask he does not care to be nice. I can express displeasure when I’m not being respected. But that doesn’t solve the issue that I was disrespected in the first place.
I can choose to not deal with a man once he proves to be disrespectful and/or sexist. But even that does not solve the initial problem of the fact that I had to experience being disrespected in the first place.
As a young girl, I wish that instead of being told that I needed to demand respect from men that I had been told that when I am not respected by men that it’s his fault and not mine. But that would require that we quit having numerous arbitrary standards for what it means to be a “respectable” woman. It would mean that I am not judged as deserving violence based on how I speak, what I wear, what I do, and who I am.
excerpt from “FYI, I Cannot “Demand” Respect From Men so Stop Telling Me That!" @ One Black Girl. Many Words.
Got beeped and cat-called as I was leaving the hospital. The goon in the passenger seat actually leaned half his torso out the window so that he could ogle me like he was some kind of dog. Keep in mind that I’m adhering to dress protocol and my pencil skirt goes well past my knees—and then add the fact that I’m already fuming over being objectified just a few minutes prior.
So basically that’s why I yelled ‘WAS THAT FUCKING NECESSARY!?' outside a hospital today in front of about 15 smoking psych patients and nurses.
A few months back, I was asked to participate in a debate on the topic of whether men should have to pay on dates. (I was “the feminist.”) It turned out that the male debater and I didn’t really disagree much on that topic. I said that, generally, whoever asks the other person out pays for that date, and then at some point couples generally transition into sharing costs in whatever way works for them. He was actually pretty happy to pay for first dates; he just wanted women to say thank you and to not use him. I had no problem with that.
I think he said that women should offer to pay half, knowing they’ll probably be turned down. I said, well, sometimes — but what if the other person invited you someplace really expensive? What if you agreed to a date with the guy and he spent an hour saying crazy racist shit to you and you felt like you couldn’t escape? This is what led to our real disagreement.
The male debater felt strongly that if a woman wasn’t interested in a second date, she should say so on the spot. If the man says, “Let’s do this again sometime,” the woman shouldn’t say, “Sure, great,” and then back out later. I said that that was a nice ideal, but that he should keep in mind that most women spent most of their lives living in low-level fear of physical aggression from men. I think about avoiding rape (or other violence) every time I walk home from the subway, every time there’s an unexpected knock at the door, and certainly every time I piss off an unhinged man. So, if I were on a date with a man who I felt was unbalanced, creepy, overly aggressive, or possibly violent, and he asked if I wanted to “do this again sometime,” I would say whatever I felt would avoid conflict. And then I would leave, wait awhile, and hope that letting him down politely a few days later would avoid his finding me and turning my skin into an overcoat.
The male debater was furious that I had even brought this up. He felt that the threat of violence against women was irrelevant, and that I was playing some kind of “rape card” as a debate trick. He got angrier and angrier as we argued. I also got angrier and angrier, although I worked hard to keep speaking in a calm and considered way. He was shouting and cutting me off when I tried to speak. I pointed out that the debater himself was displaying exactly the sort of behavior that would make me very uncomfortable on a date. THAT made him livid.
He then called me “passive-aggressive.”
I was genuinely taken aback. “Actually,” I said, “I call this ‘behaving myself.’” It’s a lot of work to stay calm when you’re just as furious as the other person, and that other person is shouting at you. I felt that I was acting like a grownup — at some emotional cost to myself — and I wanted credit, not insults, for being able to speak in a normal tone of voice when I was having to explain things like, “We can’t tell who the rapists are before they turn violent, so sometimes we have to be cautious with men who do not intend to harm us.”
Anonymous said: Have you read the gross article about David Choe admitting to raping his masseuse and then laughing and bragging about it. Society is gross.
God, I was so angry when I read that he claimed it was ‘art that sometimes offends people’. Like, no, you raped your masseuse (hint: it was the lack of consent) and your poor storytelling skills doesn’t change that fact at all.
Did you see his apology statement? It ends with: ‘In a world full of horrible people, thank god for us.’